Yellowstone is a magnificent place where you are bound to be reminded of that which lives in all sentient beings, a feeling of connectedness. The line we draw around ourselves that separates us from them dissolves and you remember what you always knew; you are apart of. It reminded me of how I am connected to the Earth, animals and people around me. I felt Yellowstone's fire energy everywhere I turned. Reminders of the fire that lives below the Earth were everywhere. We were reminded in the mud volcanoes, Dragon's Cave (it actually sounds as if a real Dragon lives within it), Old Faithful and all the other geysers. It brought me awareness of my fire below the surface.
As I was drawn closer to it, there was so much sadness and confusion. There are pieces of my ego that are coming further into my awareness and my instinct is to run and hide; push them aside, ignore them as they tap at my surface. The surface I've placed around my heart to protect my 3 year old self from hurt almost 33 years ago.
The 3 year old girl who clung to a couch and watched energy released as violence against those I loved and myself. The child who grew up believing her Father didn't want her. The child who decided she would find herself unworthy of love because if she hated herself it wouldn't hurt so badly when others found fault in her or rejected her. The child that grew to a young woman who at the age of 17 tried to take her own life because it was just too dark to hold on. The young woman who was beautifully made into a Mother and still despite the beauty around her continued to be her most prominent critic. Always doubting her worth of love or being worthy of the title Mother or Partner to the wonderful people around her. But still through it all that small child remained curled in the fetal position behind her surface of layers to protect/to survive, to keep it all out and her alive.
So caught up in surviving, forgetting to be present in the love and connectedness of the world around her. Slowly over the past years I have tried to find her and comfort her.
My 3 year old self has been held many times in my arms. Just as I did in Yellowstone, when the sadness comes I love her. I see myself holding Daya and/or Adrie as babies and I feel the love in my heart for them swell within me. Almost as if light was filling me from within. Then I take that love and I visualize myself holding me at 3 years old, scared and feeling less then. I take this child and I hold her in my heart and mind and I rock her, sing to her and love her. I allow her to be scared and I sit with her and I hold her just like I hold my daughters, cradling her in my love!
Dear friends if you too have ever found the fire within swelling to the surface in the form of self hatred or critic, I wonder if the same meditation will be of help? To picture someone so easily loved by you in your minds eye and become aware of those feelings in your body. It might be the way the corners of your eyes smile, the warmth that fills and spreads across your chest or the way your forehead lightens. Then if you are able take that loved one and place your inner child's face in their place and see if you can offer them the love you so easily offer others. Hold him or her in that same kindness just for a little while.
